Year-In Review

So here we are, coming to the end of this crazy and insane year. I haven't updated in awhile because things have pretty much plateaued. Chad still gets bad cramps (past week or so has been really bad), his belly still bloats and today he discovered a bump or something on his belly. I couldn't see anything but then I don't study his stomach anymore and wouldn't notice the imperfections. He said it looked like it had gone down a bit when he showed me so who knows.

He had his CT Scan, everything looked good. Blood results came back as well and they also looked good. As you know, his colonoscopy looked good. Still waiting on the endoscopy appointment date.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting these past couple weeks and despite all the hardships and difficult times. Despite his never-ending recovery which I know torments Chad both physically, mentally and emotionally - I still need to thank God every single day for somehow orchestrating the events to fall how they did. Dr. Sardi could've seen anything when he opened my husband up but thankfully we got our best case scenario in a very bad situation.

To all of you out there who have checked in and asked how Chad was doing, for those who have supported us throughout this crazy ride, for those who have showed love and warmth and compassion - Please know you changed our lives this year. You brought light when we were at our darkest and you provided strength when we were at our weakest and you lifted us up when we were at our lowest.

I realize this journey will be a life-time marathon and we're still just getting started. It's just important for us that everyone out there knows how much of an impact you have had on our lives and you will be forever imprinted on our hearts.

From our family to yours - have a VERY safe, happy and healthy holiday season!

Merry Christmas!

Preliminary CT Scan Results

For every cancer patient in 'remission', the fear of recurrence is ever present. Due to the aggressiveness of Chad's cancer, he has to have blood work every three months and CT Scans every six.

Due to some problems during the Summer, this is more like a 9 month scan.

As I was waiting for them to complete the tests, a man approached me and asked me if I ever had a penny from heaven. I replied that I hadn't while inwardly concerned he was a bit unstable.  He proceeded to hand me a penny with a cross cut out and said "There. Now you have."

All I can say is 'Thank you God.'

Dr. V reviewed the CT scan and while we will wait on the final results and our specialist opinion, prior to full out celebrating... we can breath a little sigh of relief because the doctor said the scan looked good!!!

All I can say is, ' Thank You God. AMEN'

:)

Colonscopy Complete.

I decided to post a quick update from my phone while I wait for my class to start at the gym.

Everything went smoothly today for Chad's colonscopy. Thankfully, the doctor said it went well and he saw nothing of concern. No cancer and no polyps! (phew). One down, one to go.

He also didn't see any scar tissue and while the area where they put his colon back together was slightly narrowed, it wasn't too bad. So as far as the intense cramping goes, we can rest easy knowing its not being 'caused' by anything. God willing... time and patience make it more bareable.

CT Scan is the big one. Tomorrow at 9:20. We have to travel all the way to Illinois for this one, so it will be an early start. We meet with his oncologist as well so hopefully he will have the results then and there.

Your continued love and prayers are always appreciated xo

I Wish It Was Next Week!

Chad's colonscopy is tomorrow at 9:30 am. As always, I am asking for prayers and positive thoughts
that he remains cancer free and also, they can determine if there's anything happening in there that causes him the pains and cramping.

His CT Scan and Blood work is on Thursday. Again, asking for continued prayers that he remains cancer free.  It's been a crazy journey this year and Chad had his 45th birthday yesterday! It was a nice little celebration of life which we will continue to do for the next 60 years :)

I Love You, Chad! You've got this!

P.S. Brenden's birthday is today, so it was a joint celebration! Hence the matching party hats!

Trying Not To Think About It...

Scanxiety - The anxious feeling one gets while waiting for their cancer detecting scans.

December 2, 2015 - Colonoscopy.  Chad and I will be traveling to Paris, Tennessee for Dr. Williams to complete his colonoscopy. The hope is that, of course, everything is clear in there but also to determine if there is scar tissue or twisting causing Chad the intense cramping discomfort. 

December 3, 2015 - CT Scan (With and Without Contract). We will be headed to Marion, Illinois for the scan, followed by an appointment with Chad's oncologist, Dr. V. The hope is that his scans come back 100% clear without any evidence of disease. In the cancer world, that's referred to as NED.

Aside from a sinus/head cold Chad can't shake (again) he is getting by. He can't take medications to treat the cold because they make him dizzy and nauseous. He had to come home early one day this week because he was so sick.

We also have some additional stress dealing with large medical bills that the VA is declining but we're still working on those, so we'll take them one day at a time.

For now, I am thankful for another day and as always - we appreciate your love, prayers and support :)

Uneventful

The appointment turned out to be what we expected - rather uneventful. I haven't yet decided if I like Dr. Williams or not. He didn't have much to say, just asked a lot of questions.

He thinks Chads weight gain could just be a calorie thing but not sure. He also thinks some of the bloating could be a result of IBS and/or pain killers. He didn't provide any clues or explanation to the cramping and pain aside from possible IBS.

What he DID do is schedule Chad for a CT Scan and a Colonoscopy. (which Chad needed anyways) He already has a 6-Month check-up scan scheduled for December so our hope is;

1. They move the CT Scan (with and without contrast) up a couple weeks
2. They allow us to go to Paris, TN to have it done instead of Marion, IL.

Since the CT Scan and Colonoscopy have to be done on different days, it would save us two-two hour trips, whereas Paris, TN is only 30 minutes away.

We will know more once we hear back from the doctors. I will keep everyone posted!

Much love for all your prayers and positive thoughts!

Blah - Just Blah

I get so caught up in my head sometimes - it stresses me out. Chad is in a lot of pain today. The VA has severely messed up sending out his prescriptions and he's ran out of everything. Since then, his pain has come back in folds. He's at a 5 today which is about 2 points higher than his normal amount of pain.

He is having bowel movements but his belly is bloated and the pain points that used to bother him have returned. The bloating comes and goes but it also causes a stir of fear. I am sure that the increase in pain has to do with lack of medication. You can't just pour drugs into your body and then stop cold turkey and expect to feel normal. I am hoping and praying they arrive today, otherwise a trip to Marion is in our very near future. Like tomorrow.

Not to wish my life away but I also wish the GI appointment and CT Scan would hurry up and get here. I'd feel so much better knowing a doctor has looked around thoroughly and we can resume living with the little letters NED on our plate. (For those of you who don't know what that means, it's 'No Evidence of Disease') And also, that the GI Doc can find ways to help Chad deal with this never-ending pain. For real, he's always hurting to some extent. Obviously worse when he's working. :( And it seems lately his boss is giving him the worst jobs that cause the most pain. His surgery was almost 8 months ago and he's never had one single day where he's felt 'good'. Well he did have one and he ended up in the ER a few hours later with the mini-stroke. Sigh.

If you're out there and reading this and still praying for Chad. Thank-You.

Thank-You for always thinking of us. Thank you for continuing to pray for improvement as each day passes and of course, the biggest prayer of all is that he is and remains cancer free, forever and ever - Amen. 

Much Love
The Cavitt's.

November 9, 2015!

Meet Dr. Richard L Williams,

A Gastroenterologist is an Internal Medicine physician who specializes in disorders of the stomach and digestive system. This specialty includes the diagnosis and treatment of diseases involving the esophagus, stomach, small intestine and large intestine (colon), liver, gallbladder, and pancreas.

Chad has an appointment to see him at 11:20 am November 9, 2015.  He is located in the Henry County Medical Clinic in Paris, TN. Door to door, it will be approximately 35 minutes commute time - which is much better than 2 hours to the VA hospital.  It's not local in our town but it is better than waiting until January and traveling to Illinois. 

I am keeping my expectations low but my hope is that they'll be able to give Chad a colonoscopy or whatever tests required to see if there is anything out of the ordinary causing him these extreme pains and cramping. Or if there's anything they can do to help minimize the discomfort. I'm of two minds - I don't want them to find anything and for this to be perfectly normal. But then Chad is left to suffer. But if they do find something, it concerns me what it will be and what will be involved for treatment. If further surgery is required, that equates more time off from work - right before Christmas.  But really, that would be as good of a time as any since work is touch and go during the holidays as it is. We'd just have a quiet Charlie Brown Christmas and use the time to recuperate.

Of course, the biggest unspoken fear of all is recurrence. In my heart of hearts, I don't think that's it but this will, at bare minimum, be the first step in finding out what (if anything) is going on. Information is power.

One Small Step

A few people have asked how Chad's been feeling - I wish I had better news. He is still hurting. He can barely eat because when he does, he 'pays' for it. With that said, he still goes to work every day and he still pushes through it. He does is very best to continue living each day for the blessing that it is. Last night after a long day at work, he came home and re-painted the bathroom.  He never stops trying and does his best to live life as normally as possible.

This past weekend he spent in the woods with his father hunting. He got a couple deer too so while I was bored out of my mind, I was so happy he got to spend some time doing something he loves.

We did receive some positive news. I mentioned previously that Chad has been trying to get an appointment to see a GI specialist with the VA to see if they can figure out exactly what is causing these on-going issues. Well they made him an appointment - for January. *Big sigh*

However, with a bit of pushing he got them to approve going to someone local. Once he makes the call and goes through the red tape, it will probably be a couple more weeks until his appointment but we're hopeful he will be able to see someone closer to home (and still reputable) I'll update again once we have a date an/or more news.

Healing Prayers Please

It seems Chad's pain is getting worse. I realize this is all supposed to be part of it. I've spoken to people in the online support group and they are years out and still have pain - but all of this doesn't make it any easier to see someone you love constantly hurting.

His lower abdomen is giving him issues, as is eating. Every time he eats, he cramps really badly. I don't know exactly the type of pain anymore because when I ask, I get snapped at. So in truth, I have no idea what's going on. My heart hurts and my mind worries. I'm praying this is all normal but most of all I am praying that he gets some relief.

He's been trying to reach the VA to get an appointment scheduled with a GI doctor but that's proven to be quite a task. I've been told to tell him to try a few things, including changing his diet but he won't - so I have nothing left to do but PRAY. 

So if you're out there and have an extra prayer for healing - please send it Chad's way. He could really use some help.

Normal Is Good But Confusing

For someone who seems 'within normal range' for so many things, Chad sure does have a lot of trouble. His B12 and thyroid results came back showing nothing remarkable. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled every time he gets positive news! It's just confusing that someone so 'normal' has so much pain and so many weird symptoms. With that said, his energy level has basically improved. He still has sluggish days but don't we all. 

His stomach pain is still bad, I don't know if it will ever truly heal. The usual sharp pains, cramping and discomfort that he's had ever since surgery. It's common for people to have these aches and pains when they get their stomach all torn inside out so I guess it's just one of those things we (he - who am I kidding) will have to deal with.  We are blessed with another day on this beautiful earth and more positive news! 


While I love you guys and all your support, it's my most sincere hope I don't have to write to you about anything for a long while. Chad has his scan in two months time. I am praying life carries on as normal between now and then. When that day approaches, you better believe I'll be calling on the prayer warriors and asking for as many good vibes as possible.

Thanks Everyone! We Love You!

Another Mystery (Thank God)!

We've been blessed yet again! The MRI results came back as 'normal'. So there is nothing to be concerned about in Chad's ole' noggin'. While whatever happened to him remains a mystery, we can breath a sigh of relief that everything at least looks as it should.

While there he got a flu shot, and blood drawn to check both his B12 level and Thyroid.

They also put in for a consult with a GI doctor.

As always, many, MANY thanks for your continued love, support and prayers. We love y'all!

Well His Eyes Are Good!

Chad had his MRI yesterday. I am not sure when we will get the results of those but I am praying everything looks as it should and his episode a week and a half ago will just be a distant memory.

He also had an eye consultation and while he does have astigmatism, his eyes otherwise look in great health. He has been given a prescription but whether or not he actually needs glasses is left up to popular opinion. And whether he'd ever actually wear them is highly unlikely but it may be worth it if it helps with the headaches. Only time will tell.

Other than that, he has his usual aches and pains and cramping in his belly. We'll continue taking it one day at a time and I'll be sure to post once we get the MRI results.

Thanks to everyone for your continued support, love and prayers.

September 22, 2015

I remember awhile ago I rejoiced in not having to make a trip back to Marion, IL until December. I think we've been twice since and will be heading back again on Tuesday. Chad will be getting an MRI to check his head and also has a consult with an eye specialist to try and sort out the headaches blurred vision.

Chad has been extremely fatigued lately, seems to have constant headaches and his body just feels tired. His legs are bothering him (I think those can be attributed to his varicose veins),his wrist is still painful (the one with the metal plate) and he still can't fully shake this sinus thing. It keeps coming and going - mostly coming.

It's difficult sometimes to not self-diagnose him with every type of cancer you can imagine because let's be honest - that's the fear. Anytime cancer touches your life in an intimate way, any and every ache and pain immediately morphs into the worst case scenario in your mind.

With that said, in my heart I believe he is okay and will continue to be okay. He's approaching 45 years old and I think some of these aches and pains can be attributed to that. He essentially had 7 months 'off work' and in that time wasn't able to be as active as he used to be. During that time his body also took one hell of a hit with surgeries and recovery. Now that he's been back to work for about two months, it's taking its toll. Naturally, Chad continues to push through. Probably a little more forcefully than he should but that's the southern man in him :)

A friend I met through this cancer journey had suggested Chad get his B12 level checked. We will definitely follow up on that because I had him take a few of my B12 supplements 'just to see' and I think it did make some improvement. So big shout out to Denise Wesley for that tip. And also huge congrats on the positive news. Her husband Tim had quite the appendix cancer journey thus far and they had their scan results today and they very encouraging! Sometimes I don't know what I would do without the people from my Facebook Support Group. There's a lot of sadness in the group but there is also a lot of hope and tons of information. The people are truly a blessing.

Anyways, so in MY HEART - I believe Chad will be fine. I think once he kicks this sinus thing, he will start to feel better. Hopefully the doctors are able to help him sort out the cause of the headaches and the TIA (or whatever it was) he experienced last week.

As always, I'm hopeful and putting it in God's hands (with a few little pushes from me to get the doctors to listen of course)

I'll post again Tuesday.
Peace and Love.

Update on Chad's Health

This blog started out being about Chad's Fight against cancer but its turned into a little more than that due to these other mysterious health problems that keep arising. Some related to surgery/recovery - others that leave us scratching our heads, holding out hearts and getting on our knees asking for prayers.

Chad has had sinus issues for a little over a week, seems he couldn't shake it. Today? He felt "Good". He texted me to tell me he felt "Good". You have no idea how long I've prayed to hear those words.

Within two hours, Chad was leaning over the dinning room table, telling me to take him to the ER. (insert heart break)

Long story short; he was at work having a ghey ole' time when suddenly he felt weird. Feet tingles that ran up the length of his body. Sudden onslaught of sweat, his skin went white as did spots of his vision. He got nauseous, both arms and hands were tingling and his legs were weak, buckling beneath him. He had a hard time swallowing and eventually speaking. In his mind, he was having a stroke.

The symptoms did not last long, aside from the dizziness but his fear did. He was having a hard time calming down and catching his breath because he truly believed he was dying. In my non-medical opinion he had the initial symptoms and then became panicked. It was at this point that he called his boss for a lift home and eventually - to the hospital.

When we got to the ER, they took blood, EKG, and an X-Ray of his heart. They gave him medication to calm his anxiety and monitored his blood pressure. After an hour or so, the doctor returned and said everything looked good and asked Chad if he was ever in combat and had PTSD. Chad said he did have PTSD but not as a result of combat but because of his wife dying about 15 years ago.

The doctor basically wrote everything off to a PTSD attack. While definitely possible, I wasn't entirely satisfied and I questioned him about it being a stroke or mini-stroke. He said the symptoms were aligned with that but he didn't think it was due to various factors. (I believe that it did NOT affect only one side, no sharp headache, etc.,) I still wasn't satisfied so I asked about the sinus stuff, could it be related. Possibly.

Good lord, why it is every time we visit the Calloway County Emergency Room they seem more concerned about getting you out of there than finding out what the hell is actually wrong? The doctor did prescribe some medication to clear up congestion along with anti-dizinness and anti-anxiety medication.

When we got home, Chad called the VA and the receptionist told him to wait until his appointment at the end of the month.

Yeah. No. I called back and spoke to a nurse and explained the scenario and we're going in tomorrow morning so she can check out his ears and hopefully get the MRI/CT Scan of his head scheduled. It will be another trip to Marion, IL but well worth it. The symptoms may have alleviated almost completely but there is still a cause and we have NOT traveled this far in health ordeals to take a back-seat in the decision making process.

So once again, I ask for prayers. Prayers for good health. Prayers for the doctors to figure out what happened and prayers for strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Thank-You.
Sincerely.
Shannon

That Was Loopy!

Chad gets in funny moods from time to time but last night was an extreme. He was  behaving very odd and I didn't know what to think of it. Once we sat down to dinner he explained to me that he felt 'very weird', as though his eyes were popping out of his head and everything was in slow motion. He said it felt as though his head was filled with helium and he was telling me so I would know and could keep an eye on him.

To say that freaked me out, would be a huge understatement. Chad has no problem telling me he feels lousy but I could tell it was concerning him. It was bothering me too and I kept telling him to try and act normal. When he put a whole bottle of salad dressing on his salad and sat there and laughed about it, it really worried me. That's just not Chad. So I took a breather and consulted my BFF. Google. I couldn't find much of an explanation except reaction to drugs or low blood pressure.

I came back out, grabbed my keys and told Chad to get into the car - that we were going to the pharmacy to get his blood pressure checked. He agreed, which also confirmed that he felt something was wrong. He is very stubborn and would not have humored me and most definitely not in the middle of dinner. Thankfully his blood pressure was spot on. He flat out refused to go to the hospital so we came home and kept an eye on him. Within a few hours, he felt more normal and he feels okay this morning.

Chad has had a Sinus infection/flu for a few days and I think his reaction was based on the sinus medication. He took one yesterday and didn't react like that but perhaps it was in combination with his regular medicine - I don't know. But man. That was weird.

Whenever anything feels 'off' for him, I get this worried pit in my stomach. Hopefully the longer we go and the more clear scans we get, I won't feel every health issue is a catastrophe...   In the mean time, thanks for humoring me!

Much Love,
Shannon

It Does NOT Get Easier

Waiting on results.... It doesn't seem to matter how much good news we get, when results are due - I sit here and I stress. I try to push it out of my mind but when it creeps back in, that all too familiar sick-in-my-stomach feeling resurfaces and I spend the rest the hour trying to force my mind to think of something else.

Anyways - Blood Results are back and everything looks normal! Phew!  *Small Victory Dance*. The tumor markers are never a sure bet but being normal is most certainly better than being elevated - so Yay!

Chad's been doing alright lately. Still having bloating issues, pains and cramping but he is making a sincere effort to try and appreciate the days he's been given. The change has been decidedly noticeable and I hope he is able to maintain the positive outlook. It definitely makes for brighter days. Literally and figuratively!

Thanks again for all your love and prayers!

August = Blood Tests

Part of Chad's treatment is a blood test every three months. These are referred to as "Tumor Markers", which are not conclusive regardless but they can be an indication if there is something to be concerned about.

So - as usual - we are hoping and praying that they are well within the normal range. We are also asking our friends and family to please keep Chad in your prayers tonight and tomorrow.  God has been so good to us and you guys have been so amazing at helping us through these moments of nervousness and anxiety... I can never thank-you enough. You'll always have our gratitude.

It's So So Hard....

To see my husband is pain. It's also frustrating. It's also a blessing. Huh? I'll explain.

God willing Chad still is and will remain cancer free. I read so many stories of other cancer patients who are fighting so hard, all the time, all day long, just to rid their body of this nasty disease. Nevermind recover from it. 

I sit here in awe, wondering "how do they do it?" What Chad faces with his normal aches and pains seems impossible but these people are up against so much more. Surgeries upon surgeries, complications, chemotherapy treatments and the list goes on. How do they really manage?

Chad has always been thin but he's never really taken care of his body and I think everything is beginning to take its tole. His wrist is still sore, his knees are getting really bad, he has varicose veins in his legs that are causing him big problems, he is once again getting nauseous when he eats, he still has stomach pain and he can't sleep more than a few hours because he has had this cyst on his kidney for years that causes him incredible pain. The guy always feels terrible and it really, really sucks.

But then - I always think about 'what could have been'. Yes he is in pain but goddammit he's alive. Alive. And all things considered, doing well. So yes, these aches and pains while I wish they would ease up - are a blessing because it means he is waking up every day and he's still in my life.

I just wish it was easier for him. I am trying to get him to focus on some of the lesser things, one at a time. We'll get him some compression socks to help with the veins. I am trying to convince him to come to water aerobics to help with his joints. We will look into a new bed to see if that helps his back. (He hates my bed but I love it. It's about ten years old though so I know we need a new one. I just don't want some cheap-ass thing that will be as hard as a rock and I don't think we can afford anything decent) But we've got to try something, right? Right.

Onward and Upward.

I Crave For "Better"

Daily, I'll send Chad a text at work and ask how he is feeling. As I wait for a response, I beg, hope and pray for those magical words "Better". Better is as good as it gets - someday - I hope to hear "Good".

The swelling in his wrist is pretty much gone, though he still has some slight puffiness and it is still tender near the bone - but - he is doing better. His belly has been giving him issues too but I think this will be a life-long battle in that area. (I am fine with dealing with that for another 80 years ;) hehe) 

It's not just the belly pain but discomfort because his bowel movements aren't always regular. Since he doesn't have a gallbladder and is missing a bunch of his colon/intestine - the digestion process is just different. So when things get 'backed up', it really affects him. But he's a soldier through and through and he pushes on.

So on the health front, alls as well as it can be and we're still taking it - one day at a time!

It Could Be Worse

Our new life moto - it could be worse. I know most of you who follow this blog only know about Chad's cancer but in all honesty - the guy has been dealt a tough hand of cards. He's overcome so many obstacles, trials and tribulations - it makes my head spin.

Thankfully, his wrist plate looks fine. Unfortunately, he has a skin infection called Cellulitis. Hopefully, a week of antibiotics, anti-inflammatory and (more) pain pills will make this particular bump in the road, go away.

So it's not amazing news but it's definitely good compared to what we were afraid of. There has been significant improvement today. Yesterday, his arm looked like a balloon and he had debilitating throbbing pain that, literally, brought him to his knees a few times. Today, the swelling has gone down and the pain has subsided to manageable.

Compared to what he went through for the first eight months of this year, today was a field day.

As If Cancer Wasn't Enough

When Chad was in the military, he messed his wrist up pretty bad and as a result has had a metal plate for the past thirteen years. He has always had little to no movement but he did something a few days back (what exactly, remains a mystery) and it's been getting progressively worse.

He is currently in a lot of pain and since he can't get an actual appointment with the doctor for at least a month, we're heading up the Marion VA hospital tomorrow to go to the ER. (So much for not having to go back there until December, eh?)

I have no idea what this could mean. If they have to replace his metal plate, he will no longer be able to work. Which will put him on disability - which will be very hard financially. I don't even know how that works. Or of course, he will need to find work in another field which will prove to be quite a task as well.  I worry most for his peace of mind. It is one thing to go through cancer and all the related surgeries, treatments, medications - and get back on a semi-normal track. Only to have another wrench thrown in his face. It hurts my heart.

So - if you're out there and reading this. Pray for healing. Pray for good news. Pray for nothing majorly wrong. This guy has had enough to deal with this year and - well so have I. (lol) God's been so good to us so far, I'm hoping for one more miracle.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts, love, prayers and support. Hopefully this is only a minor set back on Chad's route to feeling pain free.

All He Sees Is December

Here is a look into his soul. Chad and I were having dinner tonight and he asked if I had made a post somewhere recently because it seemed several people checked in on him, 'out of the blue'.

I told him 'the usual' but nothing worthy of note. Just that things are 'same ole' with respects to pain. Before I give you the glimpse - let me tell you - those of you who still check in, still send him messages, still ask us how we're doing or if there's anything you can do - thank-you. When this first happened, we got so much love and support and with each piece of positive news, life slowly moved back to 'normal'. But once you get cancer or it becomes a part of your life, nothing is ever normal again. I cannot put into words how much it means to him - both of us - when someone still checks in. So thank-you. It makes a difference.

Now onto that glimpse. As I was reading him the most recent updates from this blog, I started bawling. I don't know why. I don't know why I am sitting here now with tears streaming down my face. We wake up every
day and go through the motions, act strong, take life as it comes but it's still hard. It's still raw.

While discussing his pain; Chad made a comment that he will likely be on pain pills all his life. That it is difficult for him to grasp or accept that he now has limitations that he didn't have before. So in my 'let's try to be positive (even though it's annoying) attitude' - I told him when he gets to feeling down to try and focus - not on how far he has to go - but how far he has already come. That yes, it may be difficult to jump down off your work truck but two months ago, you couldn't even have climbed up there to begin with.

His response? "The only thing I see is December. My next test."

I think everyone who has cancer gets what is affectionately coined "scanxiety".  Every three months, six months, one year, five years - it's time to take those scarey tests that may reveal your cancer has come back. We all hope, wish and pray for those three little letters that mean so much - NED! (No Evidence of Disease) so we can carry on living another 3, 6, 12 months pretending we're not scared.

Even if you're fortunate enough to remove cancer from your body, it never leaves you. It never leaves Chad. It kills me from the inside out to hear that all he can focus on is December. But I get it. I can't focus on December. I take life day by day now, it's all I can do. It's all I WANT to do because each day in itself is a blessing and I don't want to waste one. But that's easy for me because I didn't have an ugly mucus filled tumor removed from my body earlier this year. I didn't stare my mortality in the face. I didn't beat cancer.

Cancer, I hate you. I hate what you do my family and friends who have had/are dealing with you. And I hate you for how you make my husband feel. He is a damn good man and I will continue to pray every day that you never return to his body. That when this scan comes in December - you're still non-existent. I pray that every scan for the next 50 years shows that you're gone for good from his life and that the fear of your returning gets a little less each time he hears those magic words. Fuck you cancer, you're not welcome here.

Pain, Pain - Go Away!

In the grand spectrum - Chad is doing good and has received so many blessings. So please don't feel we are unappreciative! But if you're out there and have a prayer or good vibe to spare - please send one his way for healing. He was doing some strenuous activities the other night and ever since his belly has been sore. Well it's always sore but I think it is worse than usual. Sore to the touch and sporadic pain from what I understand.

We take this life one day at a time now. Thankful for every moment. For his sake, I wish his moments were a little less painful. :( Thank you in advance for your time, thoughts, prayers and love.

Role Reversal

For the past week I have been the sick one and Chad is taking care of me! Okay, not really but he did buy me some medication. Damn summer cold.

A brief update on the Cavitt front. He is doing decent. He had a couple good days where I would even throw the word 'normal' around *gasp*! Then his pain came back and pretty much remained consistent.

He did a somersault onto the bed the other day (Which should, in itself, speak to how well he is doing lol) but I think he's been paying for it ever since. He's been having much more pain, cramping and nauseous - comparable to what it was like during the earlier days. He is feeling 'better' today - but not good. I don't know if it was the activity or some Chinese food we had just not settling well... Regardless, a couple tough days.

Cancer sucks. It never leaves your mind. I read this entire blog between last night and this morning and sat here blubbering like a baby. What a journey. To those of you still out there following along - thank you. Thank you for your love, kindness, support and prayers.

You our lighthouse in this crazy storm and you keep us grounded and moving in the right direction. Thank-You.
 

One Day At A Time

One thing is for certain, life is sometimes more manageable if you take it one day at a time. Chad has been back to work for about two weeks now and it's been touch and go. He was supposed to take it easy but he was put on some pretty strenuous jobs right away. He is preserving though because that is what Chad does.

His biggest problem right now is his cramping when he eats and absolute lack of appetite. Even this he can manage and deals with. However, the pain is the most difficult obstacle to overcome. He has a stabbing pain in the bottom left side of his belly button, which doctors contribute to scar tissue. He's been given medication and it has helped with some of the pain in other locations but this one remains constant and consistent. We're beginning to think there may be another, more serious reason for this but time will tell.

God willing, the pain subsides and he can just go one day feeling half way 'normal'. If it is something more serious, I hope the doctors are able to resolve it quickly, efficiently and without further complications.

I will keep you posted.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers!

Hi Ho, It's Off To Work He Goes!

Chad returns to work tomorrow. It is a bitter sweet day. While of course we are thankful and so blessed that things turned out how they have thus far, there is some fear that his job (which is 100% manual labour, he is a painter) will be too much for his body.

He still suffers from pain, which we assume comes from scar tissue - so God willing, he adjusts alright. He has admitted some fear or nervousness and I wish I had magic words to make everything okay. All he can do is give it everything he has, as he always does but not over-do it!

If you're thinking of our family tomorrow - please send up some positive thoughts for Chad's return to work!

Here's To 'Normalcy'

What does it mean to be 'normal' ? I know our normal has been entirely redefined since Chad's diagnosis but I am happy to report, God Willing, we may return to some sort of normalcy soon! And we shall enjoy it to the fullest!

Chad had lab work done yesterday here at the clinic about 35 minutes away. Today we traveled to Marion, Illinois to the VA hospital. All the blood work came back normal, Dr. V reviewed the previous CT Scans and everything looks good there. He will be forwarding the results to our specialist. Dr. Sardi for review.  Dr V did prescribe yet more medication for Chad to address his burn pain that he has been having in his waist-line area but other than that, things look great!

Chad still has cramping and the occasional pain but he has been cleared to go back to work in about three weeks - so we are thrilled!

He also went to see the dermatologist to get some moles checked out. There is a history of Melanoma in his family so considering what he's been through over the past six months, he was vying on the side of cautious. The dermatologist said everything looked fine and he wasn't concerned about anything! 

The most beautiful thing is, aside from blood work in three months - we will not have to go back to the VA hospital until December! (Provided nothing catastrophic happens) So let's have a toast, a cheer and a prayer to and for NORMALCY!

So, at the end of the day - I would consider this one a success :)

Sorry - Not Sorry?

Chad Enjoying Time With His Family!

Sometimes I feel bad for not updating this blog as often as I used to for those who actually still follow along - then I consider the reason I am not updating and it's probably a blessing for everyone :)

Chad is doing pretty good. The previous pain he used to have in his upper left quadrant seems to be much less severe and his eating is getting moderately easier. But as in life, when one thing gets better - something else gets worse. He now has that horrible burning along his lower abdomen/waist area again and a stabbing pain that radiates from his scar outward. He may have pulled a muscle or detached some scar tissue or something as a result of lifting something or moving a certain way, so we'll give it a few more days to see how he does.

But with all things considered - I think things are moving along. His dermatologist appointment and follow-up with Dr. V (oncologist) is next week - so wish us well! Praying his moles are nothing to be concerned about and his oncologist is able to reccomend further treatment to address his pain.

Our other big prayer is that he is cleared for work. I have mixed emotions because financially - we NEED his income. We are running out of money fast and there is no one left to ask for help anymore. On the other side, the very last thing I want him to do is cause himself further pain by over-doing it. God willing, Chad will be able to walk the line and get back to work without risking injury.

If anyone in Murray has a job that pays well - that doesn't involve heavy lifting and bending - holla! lol

Still Kickin'

For those out there who may be wondering how life is going in the Cavitt Household - we're still kickin'!

Chad has had some decent days and he's had some rough ones. He still cramps really bad when he eats - this is one thing I wish would show some improvement. There are some days (when he's not eating) that he feels half normal. He is a trooper, that's for sure! To think what he's been through and while he isn't one of those 'in your face optimistic' types, he really has handled this like a champ.

There are some people who face obstacles, not even close to cancer, and curl up into a little ball and cry to anyone and everyone who will listen - all the while waiting for everyone else to fix their problems and make things better. But not Chad. He really has taken every bump and turn like the true hero that he is :)

June 3, 2015 - marks another visit to the VA in Marion. Chad will be seeing both a dermatologist to get some moles checked out, as well as his oncologist. God willing, we'll have easy days until then!

Appointment Postponed

Chad was supposed to go to Marion on the 14th to see the Oncologist again and have a CT Scan and such. However, since he was there for the ER visit and they did a scan, the doctor has said not to bother since there is such a long distance to travel.

He will just make an appointment for June when Chad goes to see the dermatologist about the moles. This is fine by us since our car troubles continue to haunt us. Dr. V has suggested he may consider up'ing Chad's nerve medication next month to see if it helps reduce the pain but for now, he is supposed to reduce it to 3 a day since they are making him nauseous.

So as it stands - life is moving along.

No Change

And it's frustrating. Same pains, same distension, same cramping. This medication doesn't seem to be doing anything and aside from scar tissue - no explanation has been offered. It's hard not to get discouraged. On one hand, Chad has been so very blessed to have had so much good news and on the other hand - is this his new normal? Not being able to eat without having pain and cramping? Not being able to lift something or bend over without shooting and throbbing sensations?

Today has been hard for me. Just general stress from life. For example; our vehicle, which we were hoping would be the reliable transportation we so desperately needed, ended up getting some serious problem in the back end, that will likely end up costing around $500 (if we're lucky) to fix. I can't seem to shake this messed up shoulder. (or back) I know I should go to a doctor myself but I have a whole slew of excuses why I don't want to and believe it or not - a lot of them are valid. How much is enough? How do people continue to find strength? I know these things aren't the end of the world and we'll figure them out. Just on top of everything else - I need a vacation. A quiet escape where life is easy. "Normal". Just for a day.

And this is ME. I can't imagine how Chad must feel. And this blog is about him, not me! lol Just if you're out there and a 'care giver' - I know you'll understand. Sometimes the hardest thing is sitting back watching someone you love hurt and there's nothing in the world you can do for them.

His doctor appointment is still on the 14th. I am not sure if he'll run another CT Scan or just prescribe some more/different medications. I'll keep you posted.

Tomorrow is another day. Another chance. Another blessing. And I'll continue to be grateful and continue to thank God for each one. 

What Your Friends With Cancer Want You To Know (But Are Afraid To Say)

I read a post on Facebook yesterday that literally brought me to tears. Chad and I were sitting in the car waiting for Haven to get off work. It took me ten times as long to read this out loud to Chad as it should have because I kept breaking down and sobbing.

I want you all to read this. If Cancer has touched your life personally, you can relate. If it hasn't - PLEASE take the time to read it. The full article can be found here. It was written by Kim Helminski Keller.

While they ALL have merit, these are the points that really touched me, personally.

1. Don’t wait on me to call you if I need anything.  Please call me every once in a while and set up a date and time to come over. I know you told me to call if I ever needed anything, but it’s weird asking others to spend time with me or help me with stuff I used to be able to do on my own. It makes me feel weak and needy, and I’m also afraid you’ll say “no.” 
2. . Ask me “what’s up” rather than “how do you feel.” Let’s talk about life and what’s been happening rather than focusing on my illness. 
3.  I need a little time alone.  A few points ago I was talking about how much I need to spend time with you, and now I’m telling you to go away.  I love you, but sometimes I need a little solitude. It gives me the chance to take off the brave face I’ve been wearing too long, and the silence can be soothing. 
4. My family needs friends. Parenting is hard enough when your body is healthy; it becomes even more challenging when you’re managing a cancer diagnosis with the day-to-day needs of your family. My children, who aren’t mature enough to understand what I’m going through, still need to go to school, do homework, play sports, and hang out with friends. Car-pooling and play dates are sanity-savers for me. Take my kids. Please.My spouse could also benefit from a little time with friends. Grab lunch or play a round of golf together. I take comfort in knowing you care about the people I love. 
5. Take nothing for granted. Enjoy the life you have right now. Take time to jump in puddles, hug the kids, and feel the wind on your face. Marvel at this amazing world God created, and thank Him for bringing us together.

Amen.

Hi Ho Hi Ho - Off To The ER We Go

Yesterday resulted in an impromptu visit to the Marion, IL Emergency Room. Chad had developed blotches on the left side of his abdomen over the past few weeks. It would come and go so it wasn't anything I was too concerned with.

He came down to my office yesterday morning to show me that not only had it spread to the right side, but it was also significantly
darker. He also told me he was having pain on his right side (everything was always happening on the left) where the blotches were. I posted to the online support group as well as we consulted both the VA Oncologist PA and Dr. Sardi's PAs - all of which agreed the best course of action would be to head to the ER because it looked like an infection.

As you are likely aware by now, Chad's Medical Coverage is through the VA - so unless we wanted a hefty bill - we had to go to their hospital, which is is Illinois. The only time they'll approve other facility care at an ER is when it is life threatening. Since this wasn't, we didn't want to risk getting stuck with even more bills we can't pay.

At the end of the day, the trip was, THANKFULLY, a waste of time! lol But it was well worth the peace of mind when not only did the blood tests come back negative for any infection, they also ran the CT Scan and it didn't show any blockages  (Or anything else to be concerned about)  which was something we were wondering about since his bowel movements are still not what they should be!

Alas, we resume being patient and let his body recover as it will. :)

Life In The Slow Lane

I posted the good news yesterday about Chad and No Chemo! Now that I am sitting down at a computer, I thought I would elaborate for our friends and family who are following this journey.

This cancer isn't new but it is rare and due to so many misdiagnosis in the early years, there's a lot left that is unknown. There are a few things we know now about this cancer that we didn't - say - 15 years ago. As with any cancer, the best chance at beating this is catching it early. Followed by ensuring your get the best treatment. That treatment depends on your pathology and that is where things get tricky.

When we left Baltimore, Dr. Sardi said chemo would not be necessary. As far as he was concerned, Chad was cancer free. The biggest fear to him, is recurrence. Some people who were in the same boat as Chad, did do chemotherapy. Preventative or Maintenance - to decrease their chance of recurrence.

I've always been of the position, that we attack it aggressively and even if it's only a 5% assist in avoiding recurrence, it's worth it. But that's easy for me to say - I'm not the one who had to do it. I've struggled with the possibility of chemo from the day we heard no lymph node involvement! Had there been cancer invasion there, chemotherapy would've been required. Due to it not spreading - it ended up being a personal choice. Chad's choice. And he didn't want it. (Who would? I hardly imagine anyone goes to sleep at night hoping they get to try some chemo in the morning)

My fear? That his fear would hinder his chance at remaining cancer free. So I put thought into it. I put research into it. And I put prayer into it. I decided not to push it. Go with the flow and see what the Oncologist said. When he said there was less than 1% benefit - it seemed a no brainer. For all we know, since so little is known about appendix cancer - it would've hurt more than it helped. Chad already has so many issues to deal with, no sense adding potentially devistating side effects to the plate because let's face it - Chemo is hard on the body.

So our plan?

In three weeks we will return to Illinois where they will perform further blood tests and a CT Scan. They will use this CT Scan to compare it to his future scans for cancer and also to make sure that everything has gone back to where it is supposed to.

Then he will continue to have his blood work every 3 months and CT Scans every 6, in hopes that we never ever, ever, ever, EVER see this godawful, hateful and disgusting disease again.

In the mean time, he has some new pain medication that is supposed to speak to his brain and tell it to stop recognizing this scar tissue as something hurtful. God willing, Chad continues to get a little better day by day and within the next 6-8 weeks, real life resumes.

Financially speaking, it's going to be very, very tight. So that's a concern but we'll work through it! if anyone in Murray has any side work that doesn't require him to bend or lift anything heavy, Let us know! (Ha ha)

Many thanks to those who still follow along with these far-too-long-and-too-informed blog posts. We appreciate your love, prayers and support!

Sincerely,
Chad and Shan

No Chemo!

No chemo! The Dr said it would be less than 1% beneficial. The GI appointment was a bust because they sent us to the wrong doc but the oncologist was actually really great this time.

I was concernee because our first meeting with him went less than extraordinary but this time, he was super friendly and stepped up to the plate big time.

 He's given chad a bunch of stuff to help with pain (which they believe is related to scar tissue/nerve pain) This medication may require a bit of an adjustment period but God willing, it helps him.

He has new medications to assist bowel movements, as well as some general guidelines. He is not allowed to work for at least another 4-6 weeks which will be a strain financially but if he does too much, too soon - he could risk severe damage.

We are coming back on May 14 to see if the pain meds worked , further labs and to get a CT  scan to have a look and see how things are going inside. His tumor markers (blood tests he had done this morning)  came back and they look good! So all in all - good news!

This is an update from my phone, so forgive the typos. Gotta go, meds are ready!

The Hardest Thing Is Not Having A Plan

This journey has never been easy, even though we have been very blessed to have received good news along the way. Chad's recovery is still progressing and we're hopeful the doctor appointments next week will provide some answers and help us put a plan in place.

Our family and friends have been amazing in supporting us and donating money to get us through.  But money doesn't last forever and I am starting to get stressed out. I know this is mostly in my head but I am a worrier and a planner by nature and it's hard for me not to look ahead.

We are okay for now but there's a chance Chad may not get back to work until June and when I try to plan and figure out how we're going to get through, I can't lie. I get panicked. I know it's just a matter of pinching more pennies and not buying anything unless it's an absolute necessity but it is so hard to keep life 'normal' sometimes. Gas alone lately costs me up to $40 a week. I know that may not seem like much but it adds up and quickly. Chad's diet is different than it used to be so we have to buy more healthy food and man - what a difference that makes on the grocery bill.

Really, I am just venting. I know in my heart, everything will be okay. I just stress out because I don't want Chad trying to go back to work until he is physically able without hurting himself or risking further injury, you know? Paying a few bills on time, just isn't worth the risk. But we'll get through.

Just once more obstacle.

Hopefully on the eve of April 23rd, I will have good news. That they ran some scans and everything is healing okay. That Chad's pain has let up considerably, that Chad will not need chemo as the potential perks don't outweigh the risks and that Chad is feeling great and will be going back to work and getting his life back on track by suchandsuch date! That's my goal.

In the mean time, I'll continue to ask you for your prayers, love and support. That bad pain Chad had the other night has alleviated slightly. We just pray for even a slight improvement, each day.,

Much Love,
Shannon

Man, It's Tough.

I can't imagine what it feels like to be Chad. To go through what he has to go through. To endure the trials and tribulations. It must be impossible because to be ME - the 'caregiver', it is beyond difficult.

The feeling of helplessness. The worry. The fear. The uncertainty. The inability to understand and gauge for myself. Relying entirely on someone else to describe exactly what is going on. Pardon my language - but it's fucking hard.

Chad has had pain all day and hasn't had a bowel movement since yesterday. I am so worried he is on the verge of an obstruction. It may be nothing, it may be something. I know some pain can be 'normal' but I also just wish the appointment with the GI doctor was tomorrow instead of 9 days away. The VA has been amazing for our family, I can't complain. I just hate feeling so helpless and at the mercy of them and a 3 hour drive to get help. The only way we can get actual medical attention without waiting forever and making the trek is going to the ER but in order for them to approve out of VA care, it HAS to be extreme. 

So we're left waiting. Grinning and baring it and hoping it will pass on its own. 

God please, let this pass on it's own. :(

Change of Plans

See how the VA works is, even though your condition may be the same as the last time you saw your primary physician - every time you need something, even if it is a referral to someone else - you have to go see them.

Chad and I headed to Mayfield today to see his primary physician in an effort to get a referral to a GI surgeon who can try to order some tests/scans to figure out if everything in Chad's digestive system is okay or if there is something actually causing the pain and cramping.

We were originally slated to go see the Oncologist on April 14th, so we were hoping to make the appointment on that same day since traveling is such a distance/expense. Unfortunately, the GI surgeon (I guess there's only one?) is out of the office that week - so that appointment is on April 23rd. Fortunately, we were able to reschedule the oncology appointment for the same day. 

I would rather not push everything back a week but it beats having to make that long drive twice. God willing life will be relatively uneventful until then.

Wound Update - Images Included! (Click at your own risk)

The weekend was relatively uneventful (which brings me great joy now-a-days), with the exception of Chad and I nearly having a heart attack while watching the Kentucky Wildcats play (and lose) Boo!

He had a couple tough days with his pain and cramping. While everyone we speak to and everything I read suggests this is 'normal' - there's got to be something out there he can get for relief. The last few days have caused him intense cramping that made him feel like he wanted to vomit. Not good.

Vomiting would be very bad, which is why it is essential to keep sickness and germs OUT of this house. The very last thing he needs right now is a cold. His doctor is back in the office this week, so hopefully he will be able to set up an appointment with a GI doctor and/or give him some anti-cramping medication. We'll see!

On the wound front, it seems to be healing nicely. Pardon the quality of the photo, my battery was dead last night while trying to take a photo so I my phone didn't have a working flash.


Here's hoping to better days of healing!

Big Decisions on April 14th

We got the call a couple days ago, alerting us to the date of Chad's first meeting with his VA Oncologist. April 14th is the big day and it is with mixed emotions that we prepare for this visit.

"Dr V" will be his oncologist and the first (and only) encounter we had with him was less than pleasant. During this entire ordeal, while definitely challenging - most of the medical professionals we had dealt with were compassionate and wonderful. Dr V was the very first person that frustrated us beyond belief and left us feeling discouraged. Granted, in the end he did what we requested and we got where we needed to go - but that doesn't make my first impression of him any better.

This is the same individual who refused to look me in the eye when I spoke. The same individual who wouldn't even read the material I supplied for him. He was insistent that Chad didn't need anything more than a right-hemicolectomy. He was basing his opinion on absolutely nothing of course but it was his opinion nonetheless.

Thankfully, he was right. Chad's cancer did not spread and while I am beyond grateful that Dr. V was right, I won't pretend I am not dreading his "I Told You So" attitude that he is bound to have. But  let me tell you this; If he even so much as TRIES to take that road with us, tries to disrespect us, I will have chosen words for him. From Day One, we have always had the hope that things would work out the way we prayed they would (and did) but there was still always a chance - they wouldn't. Still is really because who knows what the future holds. The road we took was long and hard but we have no regrets because Chad has something he would NEVER have had with going with the VA. Peace of mind. And that's priceless.

We know Chad received care from one of the very best specialist in the USA for Appendix cancer. He knows his surgeon was thorough and knew what to look for. He was a surgical oncologist who lives and breathes this cancer every single day and he is far better than anyone within the VA network. I will give Dr. V a second chance but he better ensure this time, he is as prepared as we will be.

Which brings me to the reason for this post. Decisions. Chemo or no Chemo?

There are very few people who catch this cancer as early as Chad did. Some doctors (including Dr Sardi) say Chemo is not necessary. Some will say, depending on the pathology, it may decrease your chance of recurrence. At the end of the day it really is a personal decision.

My fear? Dr V won't even make it an option. Then again, Chad doesn't want chemo (of course he doesn't, who would?) but I would like to know his best possible line of offense. I don't want to keep playing defense incase cancer comes back. In my mind, everything possible should be done to prevent it, and if six months of chemo even gives him a 2% higher chance of ensuring it doesn't return, it's worth it to me. Provided he doesn't get too sick. That's the kicker. Is it worth it? Will his quality of life suffer? Will he spend hours hooked up to an IV, will it be pills? Will he be miserable and sick and unable to function day to day? Or will it just be another pill that can, in the long run, strengthen his chances.

Decisions, decision. Worst part is, I don't trust Dr. V. I don't trust his opinion or his decisions. So I need to make sure I am as well prepared as humanly possible prior to going into this meeting.

If you read this, please pray for clarity. Please pray for strength and please pray that Chad's recovery gets a little better. I get concerned as some symptoms don't seem to be getting better - then again, he's literally one month out of surgery. Patience.

Set-Back On Schedule!

We went to the Marion, IL Veterans Hospital today for Chad's follow-up appointment for his wound issues. While it was definitely a minor set-back, it is healing on schedule! There is no infection and within a month's time, it should continue to heal and grow back together.

We still have to pack the wound and change the dressing twice daily but that's a small price to pay. God Willing, his stomach pains and cramps will begin to subside some. That's his biggest issue right now in terms of being comfortable!

Thanks everyone for keeping in touch with us :) We are waiting on Chad's first appointment with the VA Oncologist. Hopefully  life will be uneventful for awhile eh? ;)

'Normal' Is As Normal Does

There's not a whole lot to report tonight (thankfully!) You know what they say, "No news, is good news". Chad is having a decent day. He has his usual pains and is 'backed up' a bit but still smiling! Tonight we were treated to dinner by a dear friend Nancy! It was Chad's first official "Celebration" in his fight against Cancer!

Haven was working so we'll take her next time but we also are considering having a little gathering somewhere for those locally (or who want to travel). We've also contemplated starting a small non-profit organization that can help families, the same way that so many have helped us. Chad is thinking about a charity baseball game and stuff. All this will come in due time but we really want to give back and help people who end up in the same crazy seat as we did. We won't be able to do a lot obviously but even if we can help a couple families a year, it would so be worth it. Cavitt Cure would be it's name. :)

Kentucky plays tonight in the Elite Eight, so I don't need to tell you what we'll be doing! 

Unrelated - But Good News

I mentioned a few times in this blog about Chad potentially having a rare blood disease called Porphyria. We followed up with and spoke to the doctors today, and all the test came back negative! Thankfully he has one less rare disease to worry about!

His stomach pains that he's experienced over the past number of years may still be unexplained, if not caused by the cancer (that [part is unclear) - but for now, we'll take it as a blessing that we can check that one off of the list.

Chad is having an okay day. His wound is healing but he still has a follow-up on Monday with the VA surgeon. We are also waiting for our first appointment with the VA Oncologist to discuss Chad's Health plan for the future. Scans, Blood Work and ... Chemotherapy (if required)! Continued thanks for the continued prayers and support! x

Life in the Cavitt house hold is moving forward. We spent last night cheering alongside the Big Blue Nation. Chad's daughter came over and I must admit they made a striking pair :)

Silly Fears

This entry is a look into my mind - proceed with caution. I am a part of this online Support Group and most of the people who are active are either struggling with the disease, just finding out about or are long time advocates. The success stories, while popping up from time to time, are few and far between.

People don't generally stick around and look for support when life is good. They move on and live. This road has been so difficult, I cannot even put into words the amount of conflicting emotions that have gone through my head. When I first started to research thing, the statistics scared the living hell out of me. I just found my husband less than five years ago - I was not ready to lose him.

I have always felt in my heart, we would get through this and it would be okay. The night of Chad's diagnosis I went to the Chapel. Now, I've never been a super religious person. I've always believed in God but I didn't necessarily grasp or connect the Bible to the beliefs I felt in my heart. This is a new journey I am on at the present time, so while I never would have said I was 'religious', I was always spiritual.

 That night when I went to the chapel in the hospital and I got on my knees before the stained glass - I prayed. Or may I have just cried out loud but I asked God to help me because I needed Him more than I have ever needed anything or anyone in my entire life. If you're not religious, if you're not a believer - you may think this will sound like a whole lot of hog wash - but as I knelt there, hands clasped, tears rolling down my face in waterfall-like streams, I felt the warmest most calming sensation take over my entire body. It started at my head and went down the entire length of my spine, through to my feet. Was this a divine intervention or just a body reaction ?  You decide. But for me, it meant - ever since that moment - I was putting my faith where it belonged.

Maybe I am what some coin a born again Christian. Maybe I'll never be as good as I should be or understand as much as I need to. But I am going to try, try to educate myself once again and build the relationship with God that I feel I need to.

I didn't mean to go on a rant about my beliefs, but it's semi-connected to my opening thought.

As I read through the posts on the Support Group, as I think about the future treatment options for Chad - I get so scared. I have to remind myself of the blessings we've already received. I have to remind myself of my faith and that feeling I had the very first night all of this went down and how God has been so good in carrying us through this journey. And even if we do encounter bumps in the road - everything will be okay.

But I still have fears. Silly or otherwise. Cancer is scarey and even though we've had positive strides thus far, I am still terrified. I know I have to live for 'now'. I KNOW I have to focus on the positive. And I still feel everything happens for a reason and we will beat whatever comes to us. But yes, I still get scared. So I still pray. And I ask you all out there who do the same, to please keep us in your prayers. That Chad's healing goes well and that nasty hateful disease never enter his body again.

He has reached a bit of a plateau at the moment. Some pains come and go, some stick around but I think right now 'patience' is key to his recovery. He just wants to be healthy again. Live again. Be normal. And he will. Just taking a little time! xo