Thursday, March 26, 2015

Silly Fears

This entry is a look into my mind - proceed with caution. I am a part of this online Support Group and most of the people who are active are either struggling with the disease, just finding out about or are long time advocates. The success stories, while popping up from time to time, are few and far between.

People don't generally stick around and look for support when life is good. They move on and live. This road has been so difficult, I cannot even put into words the amount of conflicting emotions that have gone through my head. When I first started to research thing, the statistics scared the living hell out of me. I just found my husband less than five years ago - I was not ready to lose him.

I have always felt in my heart, we would get through this and it would be okay. The night of Chad's diagnosis I went to the Chapel. Now, I've never been a super religious person. I've always believed in God but I didn't necessarily grasp or connect the Bible to the beliefs I felt in my heart. This is a new journey I am on at the present time, so while I never would have said I was 'religious', I was always spiritual.

 That night when I went to the chapel in the hospital and I got on my knees before the stained glass - I prayed. Or may I have just cried out loud but I asked God to help me because I needed Him more than I have ever needed anything or anyone in my entire life. If you're not religious, if you're not a believer - you may think this will sound like a whole lot of hog wash - but as I knelt there, hands clasped, tears rolling down my face in waterfall-like streams, I felt the warmest most calming sensation take over my entire body. It started at my head and went down the entire length of my spine, through to my feet. Was this a divine intervention or just a body reaction ?  You decide. But for me, it meant - ever since that moment - I was putting my faith where it belonged.

Maybe I am what some coin a born again Christian. Maybe I'll never be as good as I should be or understand as much as I need to. But I am going to try, try to educate myself once again and build the relationship with God that I feel I need to.

I didn't mean to go on a rant about my beliefs, but it's semi-connected to my opening thought.

As I read through the posts on the Support Group, as I think about the future treatment options for Chad - I get so scared. I have to remind myself of the blessings we've already received. I have to remind myself of my faith and that feeling I had the very first night all of this went down and how God has been so good in carrying us through this journey. And even if we do encounter bumps in the road - everything will be okay.

But I still have fears. Silly or otherwise. Cancer is scarey and even though we've had positive strides thus far, I am still terrified. I know I have to live for 'now'. I KNOW I have to focus on the positive. And I still feel everything happens for a reason and we will beat whatever comes to us. But yes, I still get scared. So I still pray. And I ask you all out there who do the same, to please keep us in your prayers. That Chad's healing goes well and that nasty hateful disease never enter his body again.

He has reached a bit of a plateau at the moment. Some pains come and go, some stick around but I think right now 'patience' is key to his recovery. He just wants to be healthy again. Live again. Be normal. And he will. Just taking a little time! xo

No comments:

Post a Comment